As I reflected on how helpless we had made those flowers, I couldn't help but think about people and how we sometimes accidentally impair the people we love the most.
Like flowers, we all inherently have what we need in order to grow. Yet acting as well-meaning parents, grandparents, spouses, friends, and other helpers, we can sometimes provide so much protection, rescue, and support that we
unintentionally interfere with the development of confidence, resilience, and self-sufficiency.
We call it helping. We consider it love.
Sometimes it's actually hindering.
When we continually do for others what they are capable of learning to do for themselves, we create a false sense of
security. We teach dependence rather than competence.
We become the mesh wall holding them up, inhibiting their ability to succeed.
If the support is removed, our loved one may struggle to stand because they haven't had the opportunity to develop the inner strength to do so, even though it has been there all along.
The transition to independence at this point can be difficult. There may be setbacks. There may be some hard lessons. Growth requires the freedom to learn through experience and be able to make mistakes. But they aren’t the only ones who have to adjust.
Creating this type of dependency in loved ones is complex. While often unintentional, it can be hard to stop “helping,” or to even acknowledge that our good intentions may be holding someone back.
As helpers, we have a choice. We can continue providing support that keeps someone dependent, or we can allow them (and us) the discomfort that often accompanies growth.
Real love isn't always rescuing.
Sometimes real love is stepping back.
Maybe the best support is allowing someone to struggle, trusting they are capable of becoming who they are meant to be when given the space, choice, need and freedom to do so.
I decided to make some hard cuts while there was still time for enough of the flowers to learn to stand tall and bloom—a temporary setback for a solid path forward.
And that's my prayer today, not only for my flowers, but for the people we love and perhaps have helped too much:
Dear God,
Help us recognize where our helping may actually be hurting.
Help us release our "need to be needed" when
it harms others.
Help us trust others enough to let them learn, grow, stumble, adapt, and become strong on their own.
Amen.
For today, we must remember that helping isn't always helping.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give is the dignity of allowing someone to grow the way they were made to grow—and at their own pace.
In case you missed my last FTG
newsletter, When Helping May Be Harming is part one of this topic.
