Have you ever been the oddball in the bunch? The one who looks or sounds a different way, or maybe the one who does something for a living that's radically different than
everyone else in the group? Have you felt like the only one who doesn't seem to have the social skills that everyone else possesses?
From the inside looking out, it doesn't feel good to feel so different. We discount how
other people see us and may be unaware of any admiration or even envy they may feel about our differences.
Our neighborhood is full of trees, and most of the canopies are wild and without shape. However on a particular
stretch, a tree that appears to be perfectly manicured stands out. She catches my eye because of the contrast she brings. In addition to her symmetrical shape, her leaves are changing sooner than the rest and in the sun, she has extra shimmer and radiance.
I thought she was the only one, but in studying her closely today, I noticed she has a few friends slightly behind and beside her. She has found her tribe in the midst of a very large group of more wild trees. She is standing out, while blending in.
Growing up I went to a lot of schools and was perpetually the new kid. I put on a mask of self sufficiency and aloofness that kept me separate, under an illusion of safety that way. I found a few people in each place that I could let in, but I was not comfortable with the rest of the group. I always felt different and awkward.
I've lived that way a lot of my life, which makes me less comfortable in social situations than most people seem to be. How I was perceived from the outside was probably far different than how it felt on the inside looking out.
About ten years ago, someone I went to high school with told me that she had admired me and wanted to be friends. She saw me as smart, nice and kind, but somehow she knew she would never get to really know me. In thinking back, she seemed like a popular, confident girl with many friends. I was surprised
to hear she wanted to be friends with me and felt sad about that. I blocked myself off from countless gifts by choosing to keep people away and remain separate from the herd. The people who seemed to know everyone else seemed so different from me. Too different.
The word “too” can be a bat we use to beat ourselves up with. Where is the word "too" being used against you, in your own mind? Too white, too dark, too tall, too short, too young, too old, too shy, too bold, too awkward, too loud, too quiet, too invisible, too seen, too qualified, or too inexperienced?
What if we rejected the "too's" and accepted ourselves exactly as we are? Arrogance is thinking we're better than or less than others, because either way, we are thinking about ourselves too much (another too!), and keeping ourselves separate based on our thoughts. Confidence is knowing nobody's better than us, and confidence with humility is a
great gift to possess.
Tagging onto last week, our thoughts mean everything in situations where we feel different. The stories we tell ourselves determine whether we will shrink or shine. (If you missed last week’s
Good as New, click here.)
Had I accepted my fears about being the new kid, and given myself permission to be known and vulnerable, I could have fit in. It wasn't their fault. It was mine. I kept myself separate comparing my insides to their outsides. My internal perspective didn't measure up to what I thought I saw when I looked at them.
Now decades later, I'm more at peace with the fact that I am not as comfortable in social situations as most people. (But who knows, they could be as uneasy as I am?) Speaking on a stage to thousands is easier for me than walking into a room of ten people that I barely know. I accept this about myself.
I am the person with many acquaintances, and a few. really close friends. That's how I'm wired and what I'm capablle of maintaining. My best friendships are deep and I pour myself into them. When I see the people who seem to have countless close friends, I no longer consider
that something's wrong with me. I'm happy with who I am, and how I am.
It feels a lot better to be able to celebrate and enjoy our differences (or we feel like we are, when judging our insides with other people’s
outsides). It's great to stand tall with our own self-acceptance, exuding a confidence that challenges everyone else to accept us also. We are meant to stand out, while also blending in to belong.
Are you fitting in? Are
you able to stand out comfortably, despite any differences that you perceive in the greater majority? Do you know that your differences are a gift? Accepted and acknowledged, these gifts set us up for increased visibility and an opportunity to use that for the greater good.
We weren't made to shrink because of our uniqueness, and what sets us apart. We are meant to use that to shine and bring our specialness to the world.
Today,
may we recognize that our differences are assets, not liabilities. They are a natural platform to stand apart and shine, to share our version of greatness, as well as to find our people inside the bigger collective. The obstacle becomes the path and the challenge is the platform to stand on.
Our path to purpose is found in the things that make us US.
Embrace you. ALL of you. When you do, others will want to also. If they
don't, you’re in the wrong crowd. Move on to find the people who will celebrate you.
