Are social media and texting the preferred vending machines for the 21st-century? Push a button, receive a response. The trouble is, they aren’t working like they’re supposed to.
To appease loneliness, we push a few buttons to see if someone is available. If we’re really skilled (or really lonely), we may text five people and have simultaneous “conversations” going on.
To seek empathy, we touch a few more buttons and share intimate details of our troubles to see if someone will offer acknowledgement and validation.
To vent frustration, we punch numbers and letters, repeating what “they” said, and what “they” did until we feel heard.
To deal with indecision, we text friends to hash out the details of the decisions we’re facing, hoping clarity surfaces.
To feel loved, we message multiple people with, “I love you” or “Thinking about you, miss you,” and we get some nice words back and a cute emoji or two.
We can hit up the emotional vending machine without any inconvenience, commitment or real investment of time. We can seek to meet our deepest needs at the touch of a button—while washing dishes, closing business deals, and bingeing on our favorite shows.
If we can get a lot of our needs met virtually, and interact with way more people than we ever have before, why are many of us still lonely and discontented? Why are suicide rates so high?
There is no substitute for real connection. We need interaction in real time: speaking voice to voice and meeting face to face. We need eye contact and the comfort and warmth of an embrace.
Quality relationships take time to nurture so they bloom and satisfy the participants. They require consistency. Repetition. We must take risks in order to experience rewards. We have to become vulnerable to enjoy expanded intimacy. This applies to our inner relationships as well. How can we give to others what we can’t or won’t give ourselves?
Today’s "vending machines" keep us distracted and disconnected, under the illusion of connecting with others. The time we might spend contemplating, praying, dreaming, journaling, enjoying a hobby, reading a book, cultivating gratitude—these are overshadowed by the devices that too often rule our lives.
With full transparency, I realize I’m telling on myself. I couldn’t know all these things unless I have experienced them first-hand. Thankfully, awareness and intention are what lead to change. I’m not where I want to be regarding phone-dependency/phone-distraction, but I’m aware of the problem and exploring the solutions.
I haven’t even mentioned how we are attempting to meet our needs through social media, an even bigger "vending machine." A while back, we watched “The Social Dilemma,” a documentary about the tactics social media companies use to keep us scrolling and clicking. We were shocked and dismayed. I can no longer engage in social media with the frequency I did before, after seeing the bigger picture and knowing I'm being played.
However, I am still trying to stay connected where it really matters, like the FTG readers group. I value interactions with you all. I love to use Finding the Gift meditations and the Tuesday emails as a platform to generate dialogue with you all, to share what I am thinking or working on, and hear how it lands on you.
Slowly, I'm trying to become less virtual and come back to life. If I find myself thinking about a friend and wondering what’s going on in her world, I’m challenging myself to pick up the phone instead of using their social media page to get the latest scoop. I can’t pretend I’m staying in touch with someone just because I took a few seconds to look at their vacation photos or what they had for dinner last night.
But we’re doing this! We expect each other to know when we went on vacation, had surgery, lost a job or got a new one. Births and deaths are being disclosed online without first calling close friends and family.
We cannot allow this slow demise toward predominant virtual connections to continue. It will happen. It is happening. It will keep happening unless we grow in awareness and raise our intentions to change the trend.
It's time to reverse this pattern. Social media doesn’t give us a pass from keeping close friends informed and involved in our lives.
Perhaps we make a list of the people who matter most to us, and make a plan for staying connected. It may sound crazy to use a schedule to help us stay in touch with the people we care about. I think it’s crazier to expect relationships to continue to grow and feel close when the main point of contact is virtual.
Some people may be perfectly content in this new digital age and way of maintaining relationships. I am not. I suspect that we are short-changing ourselves by looking at our phones more than each other.
Not everyone will want to go back to the way it was and that’s okay. I get it. I can multi-task like a beast, too, but I want more than digital connections with my friends and family. And apart from them, I want greater presence and less distraction.
But darn those cute kitten videos…
I love cat and wildlife videos as much as the next person. And. They were becoming a constant distraction every time I checked social media. Now when I see something that looks interesting, I save it to watch later with my husband. It has become a way for us to wind down together at night and connect over our mutual love for animals. If there is such a thing as smart social media use, that may be an example.
Life is really pretty simple. We smile. We hurt. We need one another. Reach out today and really touch someone. Pick up the phone and talk instead of text, especially if you’re going to take the time to have a conversation anyway. Be focused and attentive.
Put some coffee or lunch dates on the calendar. Mail out cards or a short note to let people know you’re thinking of them. Though not in real time, a surprise in the mail box requires thoughtful effort and results in tangible connection.
Following are some questions to get us thinking and to challenge us further:
• Who’s most important to you? Do they know that?
• How much time are we truly present and tuned into our surroundings during each day? How often are we staying aware of smells, sounds, views, the feel of our seat or our feet?
• How much time is being spent intentionally, versus being lost into the void of virtual reality? A time log for a few days is a great way to gain an accurate picture of how often we're really on our phones. Being resistant to finding out the truth doesn’t change what’s already true.
Let’s take some time this week to consider how we’re using our phones and other devices and how that's impacting our relationships. Where are they helpful and where are they leaving us empty? I’d love to hear from you and welcome your thoughts and discussion in our reader’s group.
