Lately, I've been thinking a lot about pride. Today I pondered what would happen if I gave it up. What good is it anyway? How much more peace would I have without pride? I suspect peace and pride are inversely proportionate.

 

Let me clarify. I'm not talking about pride, like taking pride in my country (patriotism), taking pride in my appearance (self-respect), or any other form of healthy, esteem-building, integrity-developing, life-giving pride.

 

I'm referring to life-diminishing pride. Peace-destroying pride. Pride for the sake of winning battles of ego and will between me and another human, or some other outside entity, like a business or the government. Those kind of pride-related encounters don't feel nearly as good as the other kinds of pride.

 

A few indicators that I'm nurturing destructive pride are when I catch myself standing on the principle of a thing, or when I'm blaming something or someone for "causing" me to feel injured in some way. When ego pride is affected, I’m usually wanting to defend myself.

 

Can someone hurt my feelings? Sure, it happens often. I'm sensitive and like most people, I want to be liked and approved of by others, especially those I care about.

 

Do I need to assert myself (indulge my pride) every time that happens? No. 

 

Do I always need to attempt to make sure they understand what they said or did wrong, or correct their misguided assumptions about me? No.

 

But I want to. I've done that a lot. The problem is it requires a lot of energy. I'm getting tired of using my energy to feed my pride, especially for the same kinds of circumstances, or with the same people over and over.

 

I'm really curious what would happen if I decided to let my pride go, along with the small stuff that stirs it up? What would it be like to stop defending my case when someone speaks harshly to me or blames me for something I did or didn't do to their liking? 

 

A therapist told me once that the trial is over and I won. It was proven and the jury agreed that I’m a good human, a human who is enough. I can never, ever be tried again for being less. Case closed.

 

But life happens and I still often fall into the trap of taking the witness stand again to make sure everyone knows the truth about me, and agrees that I’m a good person doing the best I can. However, a trial like that is exhausting and a waste of my precious internal resources.

 

I have found a better way. I don't always remember to do it, but it works much of the time when I do.

 

When I feel disturbed over words or situations that are not life-threatening and aren’t going to affect me in any way, other than my hurt pride, I am learning to detach and only address the incident within. 

 

Have you heard of the 90-second rule? Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says in her book, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey, that it only takes ninety seconds to recognize an emotion and watch it pass:

 

“When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90 second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop."

 

When I feel triggered by something or someone, I try to take at least a ninety-second time out to avoid being reactive. I work to come to a peaceful place where I can determine if a response is truly necessary.

 

I may decide that my values are intact, that I did or said nothing wrong, and that I'm satisfied with my part of the interaction. Often, there's nothing else to be done, except I may need to do some self-talk for residual thoughts and feelings.

 

 

As an adult, it's my job to heal my wounds and manage my self-esteem, so aren't my hurt feelings also my responsibility to handle within? 

 

 

It's great when relationship dynamics allow for a calm, intimate, non-blaming discussion of hurt feelings, but that's not always possible. Some people cannot or will not entertain the notion that something they did or said was hurtful. In a conflict with people like that, resolution, empathy and validation have to come from within.

 

The statements above are important dialogue to have with the hurt parts of our soul. Internal dialogue will be more productive than to argue and defend ourselves to others who are incapable of hearing us and supporting us, much less owning they may have even caused the hurt. 

 

It would sound something like this: 

 

 

Another helpful strategy is to visualize the hurtful thing as if it’s a tennis ball being served over the net. I watch it come zinging over to my side and then I step out of the way so it smashes against the fence and quickly rolls to a dead stop. It's done. It's over. It only hurts me when I return the serve and engage, or when I agree to torture myself endlessly by ruminating over the painful words or deeds. It’s always my choice to let it land on the ground instead of on me.

 

Too often, our pride says we must return the serve. As the saying goes, “Do we want to be right or do we want to be happy?” It’s really that simple, but I sure can complicate things by letting pride get in the way of my happiness.

 

What would happen if we believed that people are speaking and behaving in ways that reflect their own state of mind or self-esteem, their own feelings of inadequacy, their jealousy, insecurity, or maybe their underlying frustration and anger? 

 

What if we choose to believe that their words or actions, though unpleasant, have nothing to do with us? We could focus our response on compassion for them, instead of feeling offended.

 

But my pride says:
I want to be understood. 
I want my character to be without question. 
I want the truth (as I see it) to be acknowledged.

 

Throughout my life, I have often looked to other people to make me okay by meeting these unspoken requests. That's not their job. 

 

Any time I am putting my peace and self-esteem in someone else's hands, I'm in for a rocky ride. My well-being cannot be dependent on someone else's actions, words or responses to me. People and life can show me where my tender places remain, and then I have to do the inner work for my own peace and resilience. 

 

Many years ago, that same therapist told me that we're wounded in relationships and we're healed in relationships. I can shut difficult people out. I can stay on the sidelines working to heal my past. But relationship growth isn't actually realized until I get back on the court and start responding differently when the zingers come at me again. And they will. We’re all human and despite our best intentions, we hurt one another. But we don’t have to agree to stay hurt. 

 

I found this verse recently and I’m trying so hard to live by this:

 

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience. It is his glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11

 

Just imagine what would happen if we give up our pride in those areas where it serves no purpose, and we choose peace more often. I don't know about you, but I'm game. 

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