I just had the privilege of walking with another client through my coaching program, A Life Worth Having. It’s a tremendous feeling to spend twelve weeks with someone and see them begin a life transformation so rapidly. It makes me think about what Confucius said, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
I had intended to write about something else, which I will get to in a bit, but I believe you will be inspired and challenged by a few things I share anonymously about this client’s experience.
While I do witness transformations in relationships and clarification of new pursuits to name a few, I most often witness inward journeys. My client was expecting me to help her achieve external goals and was surprised to go on an inward journey first.
When we begin to discover and heal our broken places at a soul level, when we shine a light on our wounds and then begin to transform them, our lives begin to transform at the most foundational level. Until change happens inwardly, what we manage to achieve outwardly will not satisfy us.
One of the homework assignments I give is to choose a day to go on a treasure hunt. This is a day where we turn up our radar to spot all the small and large treasures waiting to be discovered that particular day. On the day before she did that, this client experienced a major breakthrough in perspective and forgiveness in a significant relationship.
Thanks to her newly changed attitude toward this person, and then an out of the blue, “coincidental” phone call from that same person on her treasure hunt day, my client was able to seize the moment and express heartfelt thanks for all the positive ways they had impacted her life.
As she listed the treasures she found that day, they were already numerous when she shared what happened on that phone call. Neither of us saw that coming, and certainly not so quickly.
When we open our minds and take a step in the direction of what we want, the road rises up to meet us.
Let me clarify. Some of the “positive” ways that person impacted her would normally be classified as negative, but I asked her to dig deeper. What did the harmful behaviors she experienced lead her to heal, and as a result, what did that healing process bring about? What are the gifts that resulted from what started out as a negative?
When my client was able to look at her troubled relationship from a higher perspective, she could see all the good that this person had bestowed on her, all the gifts. She was able to go from a place of chronic resentment and unforgiveness to genuine love, compassion and gratitude. And she was given an opportunity to demonstrate her healing the very next day!
How about you? If you have (or had) a troubling relationship where you still hold resentment and unforgiveness, isn’t it time to set yourself free? These are the steps I suggest to help you get there.
First, write out a bullet point list of the things that hurt you (keep it simple for this exercise). Next, write a list of the ways that pain propelled you to overcome the hurt and negative messaging.
Ask yourself, “How did that pain make me different than I would have been without it?” Finally, what are the fruits that came from your willingness to let that pain transform you into the person you are now? What are the benefits that resulted in letting that pain teach you those lessons you wouldn’t have gotten any other way?
Gratitude is the difference maker for transforming the relationships where we experience(d) the most pain. Because when we look, we’ll usually see that’s also where we experience(d) the most growth.
That person may not be part of your life anymore, but doing this work is essential to setting yourself free. If you are still in relationship with this person, be encouraged. When just one person brings change to a relationship, they change the whole equation.
Our new attitude (fueled by our new perspective) becomes a catalyst for even more change, because the other person may respond more positively to us now, and then a domino effect can happen. Even if the other person is unable to respond in a way that we might want, the change in us changes everything, for us.
If you’re currently struggling with pain and resentments, I hope the steps above give you a path to discover the hidden gifts that can transform your life and your relationships. If I am able to genuinely thank the very person I am so upset with, many of my hard feelings can quickly dissolve into gratitude, love and peace.
When I first started writing you this week, I intended to challenge you to go on an (external) treasure hunt, after the powerful one I had just witnessed. But perhaps the treasure hunt you need the most is inward, toward healing and a higher perspective?
Either way, I challenge you to a treasure hunt. Pick a day where your intention is to note how many gifts come across your path, or how many you can uncover with a little digging. They can be small or they can be big. When we are looking for gifts, we will find them. Many times, we find much more than we ever dreamed we could.
Happy treasure hunting! Happy healing. May we all continue to grow in gratitude and our willingness to believe that in everything, there is something for our good.
