This past weekend, I had to say no when it would have been so much easier to say yes, to avoid conflict with another person. But I would have had to deal with my own inner conflict if I didn't stand up for what I really needed.
Knowing what we want and asking for what we need are two key components for nurturing our well-being. For this week's meditation, I'm sharing an article I wrote that was first published March 31, 2016 on
Huffington Post:
How good are you at saying no? Most of us can probably benefit from examining our responses (and the underlying motives) when we are asked to do something.
Try saying, No thanks, I don’t like that, or No, I can’t help you tonight. These statements can be hard to say out loud to ourselves, much less to anyone else. Unfortunately, our society has conditioned us to be polite until it hurts.
We will continue to sacrifice our time and well-being to avoid saying no until the payoff to be polite is outweighed by the consequences of being too nice.
When work has sucked the last drop of self-neglect out of us or when a relationship has pushed us to the brink, only then we might finally say no. We can learn to spare ourselves a lot of misery by learning to embrace those magical two letters—N O—long before self-destruction is imminent.
Coming from a family full of people-pleasing, I was as guilty as the next person of saying yes when I really wanted to say no. Circumstances early in my life forced me onto a recovery path where I learned that No is a complete sentence.
At first it felt very difficult to start saying no to people. It came out like, No? or Uh, um, no. With practice, it became simply, No, or No thanks.
I also learned I didn’t have to decide everything on the spot. A transitional statement became my go-to response if I wasn’t sure of my answer or wasn’t prepared yet to say no.
To give myself some additional time to make a decision, I would say, I’m not sure. Let me think about it and get back to you. Or, That might be worth considering. Thanks, I’ll let you know. This technique was especially helpful when I truly didn’t know how I felt about something (which was often the case).
As a good people-pleaser and someone desperate for external validation, I had grown accustomed to ignoring my true wants and needs. Too often, I couldn’t hear my inner voice clearly, which made knowing my truth challenging when put on the spot.
Making decisions using logic and reason was more familiar to me, rather than trusting my intuition and spiritual connection. Buying myself some time has become a great way to handle requests until I can go inside and get the real answer.
We have a heart and a logical mind. Our logical minds can talk us into all the reasons why, on paper, this job or this relationship looks good and why we should basically keeping saying, Yes. Meanwhile, something inside our hearts is screaming NO! Something about this just isn't right. Or, This doesn’t feel good.
I used to be afraid to trust my heart when the black-and-white information looked good, or good enough. But experiences have shown me time and again that my heart is seldom wrong, even when I can’t prove in the moment why I feel a certain way.
There are times I may have unknown resistance to something or someone even when everything looks good on the surface. Conversely, I may feel unexplained confidence to move forward when all of the facts indicate it’s not a wise idea. It doesn’t mean I do everything I get a whim to do, or not do, with complete disregard for reason. It does mean I listen to my heart and my gut a whole lot more than I used to.
Now, more often than not, Yes means yes, No means no and postponing a decision means I’m taking good care of myself and will have an answer when the answer becomes clear. If you struggle in this area, I hope you will give yourself permission to own your preferences and know it's also okay to say, I don't know ... until you do.
