Breaking up.
Breaking down.
Breaking
apart.
Breaking out.
Breaking open.
Breaking through.
There are so many ways to break, but I think breaking through is where I’m at right now.
What does breaking through look like? It’s the painful season before the actual breakthrough. It’s being in the middle of huge difficulty. It’s going through a hard challenge but knowing there's a promise that something good is on the other side of the pain. Something maybe even more beautiful than we can imagine in the thick of it.
Life can change in an instant. A month ago, I was hiking or walking almost daily. I was tending my garden—squatting to pick strawberries, pulling weeds, re-routing cantaloupe and watermelon vines to grow vertical.
I was painting and dancing at the easel several times a week. I was going to Nashville for appointments, swapping art at galleries, having my twice monthly floats at Float Nashville, attending church on Sunday and preparing for
a paid speaking event at an annual women’s retreat on July 11.
But all that came to a halt.
On May 28, I awoke with a painful trigger point in my back that referred sharp, knife-like pain down my left thigh. I have experience dealing with trigger points, but none of my usual tricks brought relief.
Movement helped reduce or eliminate pain and I continued exercise and daily life as much as possible, except for really hard days. I kept thinking it would go away, as all trigger points finally do.
On the morning of June 23, I bent down to feed our outside kitties, felt incredible pain and when I stood up, I could barely walk. Even then, I said, “No. I’ll walk this off.” By the time I made it back to the house, I was crying hysterically from the pains in my leg.
I saw a doctor the next day, had an MRI the day after which showed a herniated disc displacing a nerve root. This means it was pushed out of its normal spot causing unbearable, stabbing nerve pain and numbness in my left thigh and hip flexor (the walking muscles).
Disc surgery or a spinal epidural—I opted for the injection. The daily crying pain was reduced to more tolerable pain, but what hasn't resolved yet are the painful nerve responses preventing me from walking much. Ouch.
I have had two weeks of physical therapy so far. I was assigned to a student when I specifically said I wanted someone with a lot of experience. I finally used my voice and said, “NO. No more student therapy. It isn’t helping.” I was changed to a
licensed therapist and in one session I saw so much more promise for my regaining the ability to walk, and do everything else I love. (Use your voice!)
This back thing was not on my agenda. I didn't plan to spend my
summer on the couch. I can't undo it, erase it, or get back the time. And I don't know exactly how soon this will all be over so I can be "normal" again. But I'm on my way!
No time is truly wasted when we can remain an
observant student in all situations. It's the essence of Finding the Gift, when life seems to be gift-wrapped in obstacles.
Ahhh the lessons. The lessons. Oh there are many.
And the questions!
Am I asking the right questions—like what am I learning right now? What can this teach me? And the hard one, what part did I play in this happening? Likely more will be shared on that in coming weeks because I see a pattern, a life-long pattern of not listening to my body and taking my body for
granted.
And feelings. Yes, of course I have had and continue to have a lot of tough feelings. Pain, anger, grief, disappointment, despair, self-pity, loneliness (living remote makes it hard for friends to visit, but I’m
so grateful for the ones who made the trip).
I’m learning a lot about the choices we have concerning indulgence in self-pity versus resting in trust. For me that means trusting in God’s perfect care, provision and
timing.
We can’t be in two states of mind at once. We choose one or the other in any given moment. And some days, it’s a hard choice and I decide to feel sorry for myself.
I’ve dug into the benefits of throwing myself a pity party and why, historically, I would choose to hang out in that negative state over living in a more hopeful place of trust.
Hello addiction to despair, drama and chaos—learned early, modeled often, then adopted for my own. I’m glad I know I have a choice to exit that loop, when I’m willing to.
Sitting on my front porch swing, I'm looking at my garden across the way. I see vibrant ripe tomatoes and I'm imagining the other things that need harvesting.
And … I'm unable to do anything about it.
There's a lesson in there somewhere, too. Aww yes, accept my
current reality. Ask for and allow help.
My amazing hubby is cooking, cleaning, taking care of me and all the cats, managing the inside and outside chores, and working—he’s doing all he can and I’m very grateful for
him. He’ll gather from the garden again as soon as he can.
Feline side note:
My husband is even more cat-crazy than me and would always love another cat. We have enough of our own, but I surprised him by going to the Humane Society and fostering a semi-feral mama and three kittens as his “Father’s Day” gift. I made that decision three days before I could no longer walk. Hubby didn’t mind doing most of the work.
We had them for three weeks. He returned those and on his own, brought home a wounded mama and five newborns! He loves helping cats and God seems to send me kittens when things get tough and I can’t do much else. They have been a delightful distraction while homebound.
Conclusion
I wouldn't be human if I didn't let myself have all these feelings. My life has drastically changed in what
seems like an instant. And yet I'm looking through to the other side of what this will teach me. What I need to change. And who I will be able to encourage later on.
Even though I’m still in the ditch, maybe this
touches a nerve with you? (OMG, the unintended pun!)
But seriously, whatever you may be going through, may you be encouraged that you are not breaking down, you are breaking through. Your situation will give
way to something positive. You, me—we are learning lessons that will long outlast the temporary setback.
I heard recently that setbacks are merely set-ups for something new. I’ll take it! How about you?
Whatever you’re going through, keep going. I will too.
I've missed you! I was trying to
send a blog every two weeks and sure missed being able to do that. Hopefully, I'm back on track, but I'll be listening to my body. 🦋
