Last week, I was in St. George Island for my women's retreat, Paint, Paddle & Play. One day, I went down to the beach where a few women were already set up in a spot
on the beach that suited them. Another woman joined them, putting her chair next to them in a row.
I was craving quiet beach time and needed to recharge, but I sat my chair in their row a slight distance away. There
was lively conversation happening, which was wonderful, but not what I needed at that moment.
Risking the appearance of being un-social or un-friendly, I gave into what I needed and scooted my stuff further
left. I put soft music on my ear buds and felt much better having taken care of myself, instead of making myself listen to talking when I was so eager to relax into the sounds of the waves.
When I looked around,
however, I suddenly realized how far I was from the water. How far they had been from the shoreline. I hadn’t even noticed before, but it was much farther from the ocean than I usually sit at the beach. I like to be close!
Worried about what people would think if I moved my chair, not once, but twice, I stayed put. I was lecturing myself, saying, Can’t you be happy here? Is it really that big of a deal?
I kept trying to convince myself I wasn't that far from the water. I kept looking left and right to compare to some neighbors, and all of them were sitting much closer to the ocean. There was no way around it, I was farther from the water than normal for me. If I wanted to be in my ideal spot, I would have to pick everything up and move again.
I sat in the second spot for ten minutes before I finally said, So what! This is my beach experience and what other people think is none of my business. I scooted my chair forward so I could be fifteen feet from the water’s edge. Perfect! And no one else really seemed to care.
We have one life to live. Each moment is OUR experience. If we live it for others in such a way that we sacrifice our inner voices crying for something different, we contribute to a restless, dissatisfied sense of self.
If we don’t say YES to our inner nudges and preferences enough of the time, that more-than-occasional self-denial could become a permanent placeholder in our spirits and bodies.
It could camp out and look like restlessness, discontentment, despair, or generalized grief (where we can't point a finger at what made us sad, but we feel sad). It could look like constant irritability, resentment of others, or even self-hatred.
Life is best lived in the moment. Needs or negative feelings are best dealt with immediately. If not, they sprout and fester. Before long, we're carrying a heaviness and we don't know where it came from. Someone could ask us what’s wrong and we don’t know a specific thing to
mention, but the feeling is there.
The way to get out of it is the same way we got in it, one small decision at a time.
Except this time we’re honoring what we need, not what we think they need, or what we think we should do for someone.
We risk looking silly, fickle, or indecisive.
We give ourselves
permission to change our minds when we've chosen something that isn't what we actually need most in that moment.
We recognize that we deserve our own attention, and our own love and care.
When we feed our souls well, we have so much more to offer others. We can't give from an empty place, but when we are filled, then our overflow will naturally spill onto others.
In my new happy spot close to the water, I listened to the waves crashing and the seagulls singing. I watched pelicans diving for fish and I could breathe deep again. There was no additional soul-cry to be heeded. My inner
sit-as-close-as-you-can-to-the-water part was appeased and all was well.
In that moment, I was all mine and it felt good.
I don't always have to share me. You don’t always have to share you. Sometimes we have to be willing to be still and be fed before we try to give more of ourselves or our time away.
Do a self-check. Are you compromising too much of your self, too often?
Maybe your soul is crying for something that would make the day, or this moment, better? What is it?
If you hear a reasonable request from yourself, if it’s not too expensive,
and if no one will get hurt, give in to that sweet part of you who knows what they want and need, and see how that feels. Good? Awesome! Do it again, at least once a day. If we don’t listen to the cry of our hearts, that’s on us, not them.
For today, may you notice and honor your soul’s nudges, and find greater satisfaction in making this life experience truly yours.
