Ever have an out of body experience where you see yourself as someone else might? A sudden glance in the mirror, before you know that's what you're seeing? A candid photo and the split-second before you realize it's you?
The simplest, yet profound thing happened to me over the weekend. We have tall glass shower doors in our new master bathroom. When putting lotion on after a shower, I happened to catch a portion of my body’s reflection in the glass. The image was removed enough from me to let me view it as an observer,
instead of like looking in a mirror.
Absent of my head, I saw a female form that looked like it could be a million other female forms. It was beautifully ordinary and common. By seeing only anonymous body parts, it could
have been anyone and that felt shockingly humble. This abstract female form was disconnected from any specialness I often associate with myself, when I’m thinking of myself.
It’s hard to share this, but too often I get
stuck in a loop where I find myself feeling superior to others, even and maybe especially to those I'm closest too. Not for appearances, but for who I think I am, and for how I see myself, compared to others. How smart I am. How creative. How efficient. How moral and, well, just overall how “right.”
I forget that you are all those things, too—because we are more alike than different and we’re all gifted. (Read last week’s More Alike than Different.)
Seeing myself in a reflection, absent of my identity, was a gift, an unexpected ability to remember that I am profoundly ordinary. I am average. I’m not all that, but rather, I am like every other amazing woman God made. No matter how
smart, creative or successful, we are all equally human. Nobody gets three eyes, for instance, or an extra set of legs. Yes we have different sizes, shapes and coloring, but we're mostly the same.
Why do I need to feel
superior?
My upbringing was the perfect recipe for becoming a know-it-all, because my very survival depended on knowing it all, or as much as I could. I examined situations for the most efficient courses of action. I studied responses. I learned from mistakes to make sure I never repeated them. I could skillfully read the room and everyone in it to anticipate the best way of being to keep everyone happy (or at least happy with me). Life became a performance and
I got good at it.
Merriam-Webster defines self-righteousness as being strongly convinced of the rightness of one's actions or beliefs. Yup, that’s what I became after working so hard to be fail-proof.
My hyper vigilant state kept me cautious and analytical to make sure I was right. My over-thinking often did produce a more thorough response to situations, which only perpetuated my arrogance. I invested a ton of extra
time thinking about how to be "right" and "the best.”
As you can imagine, that didn't always make me the easiest friend or family member to be around. Showing someone a better way, at least in my not-so-humble opinion,
even if my intent was good, still came across as critical. Sigh. I'm better because I am aware, but knowing is easier than actually doing/not doing. Not needing to feel superior and know it all may be something I’ll be outgrowing for the rest of my life.
Where did you “over-develop” in order to survive in your young world? Being the family clown is another common tactic kids use to cope. Simply disappearing and staying “gone” is another one.
We all have character defenses—responses to life that were formed as children for our safety. Some of those things saved our lives, but as grown-ups, they aren't as useful as they once were. In fact, they may now be destructive. We could be causing harm to ourselves and our relationships by continuing certain behaviors and beliefs.
Knowing why we do what we do is helpful, but at the end of the day, we are now adults, we're safe, and our behaviors are a choice. If we need to behave differently, we have to choose to change, which may involve facing some fears.
A wise mentor once told me to ask myself what I am afraid of when I feel (the need to be) superior to others. Often it's hard for me to make that connection, but it's a worthy question. Perhaps I'm afraid of looking stupid or upsetting somebody. Maybe I'm scared that I really don't have all the answers, and it's easier to sit in
judgment of others, than be honest with myself. (And okay with being imperfect or uncertain.)
Do any of you relate to this? This week’s insight was a challenging lesson to communicate, but this incident spoke volumes to
me and I wanted to be vulnerable and try to share it with you.
Instead of seeking perfection and above-averageness, it’s okay to just be ourselves. We are already “common” in the best sense, so why not live in that
humbling and beautiful reality?
We don’t have to perform to be liked or loved. The world won’t end if we make a mistake. To be “one among many” is a great place to be.
Today, let’s remember we don’t always have to be right. We don’t always have to be the best. We can enjoy being average without constantly holding ourselves and therefore others, to some impossible standard of rightness. Oh, what a relief that
is!
