This year, I was especially excited about Christmas because I had stumbled onto some great gift ideas for people I love. I couldn't wait to surprise them and hopefully provide
something they would be glad to receive.
However, as my husband, son and I shared gifts, I felt an increasing discomfort with receiving gifts. I felt like the fickle cat who wants to be petted and then runs
away at the last second, changing its mind.
Do you struggle to receive kindness, gifts of time, or other expressions of appreciation? If so, you are not alone. (Reply back and tell me I'm not either!)
Although I'm not completely clear about it, I can think of several reasons why receiving generosity from others can be a challenge for me:
Perfectionism
Unworthiness
Pressure to perform for the giver
Anorexic spending habits
Perfectionism
I struggle with perfectionism and somehow this can set me up for disappointment with gifts. Here's how my brain works:
Is this the very best pink sweater available? I didn't see the other choices, so what if there is one I would like even better? I have to make the most of every penny, mine and everyone else's. Every purchase is a critical decision with no room for error.
Yikes! That's a lot of pressure to put on a gift and the people who are kind enough to offer me a present.
Perfectionism runs deep in my blood. To be able to receive, without judging whether a gift is perfect or not, starts with me realizing I'm no longer in a life and death survival situation. Everything doesn't have to be perfect because most things are just not that critical. "Good enough" is adequate in more circumstances than I want to admit.
Needing to be perfect stems from ... unworthiness.
Unworthiness
I am much more comfortable lavishing others with gifts, than receiving them. I love finding thoughtful gifts and watching people open them. In contrast, I don't like having attention on me at the time of opening presents and I don't want people to spend money on me.
Unworthiness is a lie that can still hold me captive at times. To overcome it, I regularly affirm my worth in all areas, and most importanly, I remember that I was born worthy. I am... you are...a worthwhile human being.
No matter what's happened in the past or what we have done, we are inherently good people worthy of love, kindness, and generosity. When I treat myself with kind words and gentle self-care, I will grow to be more receptive to other people treating me well also.
Pressure to perform for the giver
It's no secret I'm a people pleaser, at least not
to any therapist I've ever seen. Raised in a less-than ideal home situation, I learned to be quiet, blend in and do my best to avoid upsetting people. As a result, I feel immense responsibility and pressure to react a certain way, so the giver feels good about their choice. Ugh.
Pressure to perform for others is a habit I am earnestly trying to break. I've put my super hero cape in the trash and am now shooting for good 'ole average. The truth is, people don't think about me or evaluate my responses to them near as much as I might think. Even if they do, their thoughts about me are none of my business. I can try to be a good human, and let that be enough.
Anorexic spending habits
If money was exchanged for something given to me, I have to love it. Like, really love it. I
have prided myself on being frugal my whole life. I had to pinch every penny from the moment I began making money at fifteen, which only intensified when I left home at seventeen. I had to stretch every dollar or starve and be homeless—a survival tactic that saved my life and secured my independence. Now, no matter how much money we make, I can find myself living like I'm $20 away from homelessness (when it comes to receiving).
Spending money on others is fun, but it's very difficult for me to accept a gift without wanting to know how much it cost (so I can judge if it was worth that expenditure). I'm a bargain shopper. I like nice things at rock-bottom clearance prices. So when I've received a
gift, I might find myself wondering if I could find two or three things for the price of the one gift just presented to me?
Anorexic spending habits are not a joke. Many people wish they were better with money, but
I'm frugal to a fault. One time, a therapist surprised me during a session. As soon as I got there, she said we were going shopping to buy something full price. I felt so constricted, I could have shriveled up on the spot. I bought a $50 blouse after much agony in numerous stores. I didn't love it and ended up returning it. But I would have made myself keep that blouse if I had found one I really loved.
Shame likes to tell me that I'm the only one who deals with these things. You may not deal with everything I mentioned, but can you relate to any of it?
Do you struggle to be generous with yourself?
How easy is it to reward yourself for
achieving a goal or hitting a milestone?
What are you currently doing to invite more generosity toward yourself?
"It's better to give than receive" is a great motto for life, but for this sentiment to be possible for everyone to experience, we have to take turns. In cultivating our ability to receive, we provide others the opportunity to show their appreciation and give to us. Receiving is a gift to the giver, and a
win-win for everyone involved.
Receiving is an inside job. What can you put in practice to help you become a better receiver? Maybe it's time you give yourself an allowance? Time, money—choose some ways to start
giving to and receiving more from yourself and others.
Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!
