Our back deck was screened in last week, all but the door which will be installed this week. Flying insects came in through the large door opening and seemed to get stuck. They
begged at the window screens, frantically searching for an escape within a small radius of space, forgetting that they were free. They didn't remember how they got there, but they acted like they were trapped. No one was keeping them there, but themselves.
Moths, wasps, yellow flies—they tried as hard as they could to break out, but they were directing their desperate energy in the wrong place. The fly in the photo literally died eight inches from freedom.
Oh friends, there are so many of us "dying" inches from freedom. So close to breakthrough and yet we’re putting our efforts in the wrong things. We wear ourselves out in futility. Some of us have been here so long, we don't remember how we got here, or how to get ourselves out.
We all have varying degrees of struggle that feel bad to us, which are within our means to exit. While the path to freedom may seem obvious to everyone else, to us the self-imposed limitations feel true. There's no point in comparing circumstances. For each individual, the prison is real and the struggle is painful.
Using my time the way I intend can still be a real struggle for me and I can get stuck. For those who don't struggle in this manner, it doesn't make sense. "Just do the thing," they would say. But on any given day, in any given moment, there are about five (million) things I want to do and the indecision
can be crippling.
I often indirectly decide to not decide by doing something else that’s completely random. Maybe I suddenly have the willingness to polish the stainless steel appliances. They needed it and it
looks good, but it’s not time well spent at the expense of me not doing something that would be truly satisfying to my spirit at the end of the day.
This morning, the indecision consisted of a choice between taking a
walk, painting, or picking blackberries before it got too hot. Any choice could have been the “right” choice for me in that moment.
What did I choose? I didn’t. Not right away, anyway.
For the next hour, to avoid making a decision, I impulsively cleaned the outside cats’ water bowls, brushed one of the cats and removed a tick. All great things, but not what I needed to do at that time.
There went one hour doing something “productive,” instead of honoring the cry of my heart to walk, paint or pick blackberries. Useful, but not intentional. I could’ve done the cat things later. It's not the things I do that feel bad, it's putting my SELF off and not placing
my creative/spiritual needs as high priority.
On these days, it's the order that feels bad. I impulsively do other things until the pressure mounts and I'm finally able to devote a little time toward what I really want
and need. The day ends well enough, but the way that it played out didn't feel good. So even if I did some of the things I most wanted to do, I missed the joy of making that choice because there was so much struggle involved and it was done out of pressure, instead of desire, and with “last-minute” energy.
There's a fine balance between intention and spontaneity, compulsion and avoidance. My goal is to stay in the dance of intention more often, while remaining flexible enough for creative spontaneity. Finding a rhythm where I put my needs and priorities FIRST, when my energy is highest, fuels a renewed sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. Once my tank is full and I've taken care of me, I can then
turn toward nurturing my household.
I want to choose how to spend my time, not use time to hide from myself in avoidant escape.
Ironically, the order in which I go about my daily actions seems to be a direct reflection of my self-worth. If I grew up feeling neglected and unseen, and then I continue to neglect myself out of habit, is it any wonder that something in me has a difficult time putting my wants and needs first? This
change has to come from within, from valuing my worth enough to know that I deserve my time and priority status.
Not every day is a struggle and I'm far better at this than I used to be. I've done well to build
accountability and support around my day-to-day activities to make sure that I am achieving steady progress on the things I care about.
If you can relate to this daily challenge, I urge you to build more support
into your day. If you’re not sure how to do that, reply to this email for a few starter tips.
Next week, we will explore deeper reasons why we choose to stay trapped and small, even when the doorway to freedom is well
within reach.
For today, let’s step back to see the whole picture, the greater view that shows the truth, that we have more options than we might realize. Let’s find the openings available to us and be willing to explore
freedom and breakthrough.
