Last night, my husband and I were on our backyard swing to wind the day down together. I had invited him to go out there with me, by the way. Then I started checking social
media responses to my work-related posts, because I hadn't checked social media all day. Hubby said, “Can't you stay off your phone and sit here with me?”
Can you hear what hubby is really saying? “I want to be with you.
I love you. I can tell you’re not fully here with me and I want all of you.”
Did I skip the response to his WORDS and reply to his HEART? Not exactly, but that’s what I aspire to do. Too often we get into ego battles over
words as the heart requests fall to the floor, lost.
Instead, I explained I'd been working all day on other things, but I have work on social media too, that has to be checked and responded to. It was 7pm and I didn't
want to do it later. He said, "I get it."
Further resisting his heart’s desires and trying to prove some point, I asked him a bit sarcastically, "Am I affecting you, or are you just wanting to manage my business?"
(I know, I know, not great.) He honestly and vulnerably said, “A little bit of both.”
And then I really heard him. He said, “It's hard to be in the moment with someone, when someone's not in the moment.”
Ooh, more heart language. This time I got it, even though I wanted to be defensive and argue that I was in the moment. But I was in a different moment, sending a signal that I wasn’t completely
available.
I was in the swing checking social media with hubby nearby, taking him for granted. He was in the swing trying to enjoy the end of the day in reflection together, or simply in shared silence with me. I
was absent in spirit and presence, and he could feel that.
He was right. We were not in the same moment.
No matter how justified, I wasn't doing what I invited him out there to do and that was to be present with one another. If I needed to check social media for work-related purposes, I needed to do it earlier or later.
Even in sharing the same exact circumstances, we can experience different realities from those we are with. Presence and perspective (thought-life) have everything to do with that.
Shared times with people we care about is one of the greatest things we take for granted.
We've all experienced being on the receiving end of someone who's on their phone, yet also with us. They are sending a very loud signal that they're only partially available. Let's not be those people. Let's be available to the gift of shared moments, communication and heart exchanges.
Multitasking is such a lie. It tells me I can manipulate time and magically do several things at once, without anything or anyone getting shorted. There is no magic to time. It's the same 24 hours a day for everyone. When I multi-task, I'm doing each thing with less attention than if I was only doing that thing. But when I am only doing a thing, I am able to do it more clearly, concisely and efficiently.
I can't have a phone call and put away groceries, with both of them getting my full attention. I’ll be slower putting up groceries, I’ll spin in a few circles, forgetting what I'm doing because I'm talking, and I will not be as
present to the person on the phone. I certainly can't take a moment to be with my husband and expect that moment to be the same if I am simultaneously doing something on my phone.
Anything done while also using a phone
is done with fractured presence.
Ouch! That’s hard to say, hard to admit. But we know this. I know this. And it comes down to a willingness to be mindful. To be where my feet are. To know what my hands are doing. To
be conscious of my body and what's happening and around me. To truly be with someone.
My core definition of mindfulness is to be where I'm at, while I'm there, for as long as I'm there. It’s that simple. Thanks to
hubby, I have a renewed willingness to stop multitasking, especially when relationships are at stake.
As you are reading this, I am headed to St. George Island for two back to back weeks of Paint Paddle & Play,
my women’s retreat. This renewed insight is perfect timing going into those retreat weeks, to be present and available for relational gift exchanges.
For today, I want to hold onto to both takeaways. Listen to hearts
not words. And remember that I have to be 100% conscious (awake, aware, not fragmented) to enjoy my gifts. I can't experience full gratitude for what I have been given if I am multitasking my moments away. The fullness of living is in the present.
God, help us to listen for hearts not words and forgive us for taking our loved ones’ presence for granted. Help us to be willing to live in the present to receive all of your good gifts. Amen.