A few weeks ago, I had an eye exam and picked out new glasses. I tried to pick out frames that looked complimentary and are big enough for progressive lens. I avoid the kind with metal nose clips so they don’t get tangled in my hair when I store them on top of my head. The right frame is everything! 

Our home is filled with frames holding photos of loved ones, furry and otherwise. When we love a moment so much, we choose a nice frame to display the photo to remind us about a special point in time. Occasionally I have my paintings framed to add an extra special touch. 

Besides photos and eyewear, the majority of us use other kinds of frames daily. Nearly every waking moment in fact, we are framing reality (past, present and future) in our minds. 

Something happens and we ask ourselves, “Was this good? Was this bad? Did they do that on purpose?” Maybe we have a concern, so we wonder, “Is this going to happen? Is this ever going to stop happening?” The way we answer our own questions and frame our judgments and expectations tends to be based on our experiences in the past. If that’s good, great! If it’s not good, then we may need to select a different frame to change the story we're telling ourselves.

We had a relative reach out to us after a nine year absence in our lives. It was a mutual separation at the time. After years of unpleasantness at family gatherings, we chose to do life without this part of the family, but now they want to make a fresh start, without dredging up the past. In some ways, we think that’s a great idea, but we’re wondering if it’s really possible? We’re willing and open, but not very motivated to initiate contact, based on past experiences. 

Given what I know about “framing” and how everyone sees things from a unique angle, I’m trying to consider the bigger perspective and imagine where they may have felt hurt. Curiosity is great for relationships. Curiosity invites us to set our old frames aside and pick up new ones, willing to let our vision reside in the present moment, instead of being attached to all the baggage of the past.

In all of this, I was surprised to learn that I have more forgiving to do, but I also am remembering that forgiveness and letting go of resentment doesn’t mean we subject ourselves to people who are likely to behave the way they did in the past. If history repeats itself, I can choose to forgive, yet love people from afar.

We put a frame around photos that we want to remember. If we don't love a memory enough to print a picture of it and put it in a frame to enjoy often, why do we keep negatively-framed memories alive in our minds?

We are packing up our house and getting rid of a lot of stuff that we no longer need or want and don’t need to move with us. Today I’m reminded that clearing out my mind of clutter is also necessary. Why hang onto framed thoughts and images that only bring pain, frustration, hurt, and disappointment?

What would it be like to try on a brand new pair of glasses today, with brand new frames, and make the choice to see everything by what is absolutely known to be true today? To consider the undisputed facts of a situation, absent of opinions and judgments, and unclouded by past experiences or future worries that too often distort our vision?

The holidays are a great time to look at hard feelings and tough situations and offer forgiveness to ourselves, for whatever role we played, and forgiveness to the other people involved. We can trust they did the best they could at the time. How do we know that? Because that’s what happened.

Most people, even at their worst, are doing their very best on any given day. It may not be what we need. It may not be as good as we think we could do in their place. But it is the best they can do, all things considered, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

We can let them off the hook today by putting a different frame around the whole situation. To do this, we can visualize ourselves in a photo with them, with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts and a little quote that says “We are all doing our best. Find the love.” We can send that person this mental image—wrap it up in a pretty box, put postage on it, and ship it off to them, imagining that it will bring a smile to their face also, and warm their heart.

The ninth module in my coaching program, A Life Worth Having includes a powerful guided audio meditation to assist forgiveness, even for the most painful events. If you would like a free copy of that, send me an email.

We get to frame our own experiences, so today, let’s find a good frame! Let’s decide what is worth framing and commemorating again and again, and let the rest go. We can send love, compassion and well wishes to those thoughts and people we have held hostage in our minds. Life is too short for unforgiveness taking up precious space and energy in our lives. God help us walk this out. Amen.