Asking for what we need can be like trick or treating. We may get what we need, and we may not. 

My husband went out of town a few weeks ago and posted a checklist on our back door reminding me about doing his share of the cat chores, and also to eat good and get to sleep by 10pm. It’s such a gift to be known, even in my weaknesses. 

I know that I need extra support and accountability when he’s gone. Without implementing structure where I tend to struggle, I’m likely going to work too much, eat minimally and insufficiently, and not give myself enough sleep. 

To avoid my usual pitfalls and take better care of myself while he was gone, I sought help in advance within my various support networks. I needed to share my daily self-care intentions around evening plans and bedtime, to stay accountable for those commitments to myself and to someone else. 

Usually accountability partners text intentions, their actions taken during the process, and then, how it worked out. As each person texts their progress, both are inspired by the other, and together they have more success in doing what they struggle to do on our own. It's free, simple, and a beautiful way to help each person keep their word to themselves.

I had one person lined up who said she struggles similarly, and felt this would really help her too. When the day came to start, she was unresponsive to my messages. I found someone else and sent a text that evening to confirm how I envisioned we might communicate our commitments and to make sure she was on board. I waited a while for a response, then concluded she had changed her mind. Unfortunately, this was enough to fall into my usual tricks, doing this and that rather than getting myself fed in a timely manner, which meant bedtime would be delayed too.

“Tricked” out of the accountability I sought two nights in a row, I temporarily gave up, and shorted myself of sleep the third night. I’m happy to say I finally found someone who could support me in the way I needed, while being of value to them as well. Hope is always possible when we don’t give up or give in to the way it's always been.

Some of you may be thinking, What’s the problem? Go to bed! Eat! Or whatever it is. I don’t know why I struggle to do what I want to do. I've had this challenge my whole life. Telling me to “just do it” is like telling an alcoholic to just not drink. In fact, in the depths of my struggle with anorexia and bulimia in and out of hospitalizations in my early twenties, I remember hearing something very similar from someone who cared about me. If I could just stop, or just do it, I would. Easy for someone to say, if they don’t have the same problem.

I’m betting we all struggle in some way, to do what we want to do, or to NOT DO what we DON’T want to do. Some of those habits or compulsions are more socially acceptable and understood than others, but the battle is the same. The shame and despair are the same. The struggles are real but thankfully, the solutions are out there.

If we haven’t been able to do something yet, it’s because we haven’t had enough help yet. That’s where support and accountability come in. Recovery and hope happen one step at a time, one action at a time. 

Recognizing we need help, and accepting this about ourselves is a great place to start. But we have to really want to change. Our troubling behavior has to be disruptive enough or shameful enough to make us desperate enough to have the willingness to try new things.

There’s a support group for just about every compulsive struggle. I’m a huge fan of twelve-step recovery, but in any support group, we discover we’re not alone which is a big encouragement. 

For kicks, I did a search today, “Twelve step group for …” to see what would pop up. I just learned there’s a twelve step group for nice-guy syndrome! I wonder if women are allowed?! The point is, hope and help are out there if you’re ready.

Is it hard for you to do the things you really intend to do? Or to stop doing the things you really want to stop doing? Where are you struggling to keep your word to yourself and to those who want you to take good care of yourself? Can you trust that hope and help are available to you? That change, one day at a time, is possible, even for you?

Today, I hope you will ask yourself, “What do I need and what kind of support would be helpful for me in this area?” I pray you have the courage to seek the solutions that are right for you.

Remind yourself that you are not alone. We humans are more alike than we are different. Struggles are universal, and so are loving-kindness and support. 

Receive what is graciously given you and pay it forward to someone else. If you're struggling, and not sure where to find the support you need, reply to this email and let's chat.