I feel compelled to write again about forgiveness. If you missed my last post on this topic, click to read The Right
Frame.
The perspectives for today's topic are hard. I'm going to share concepts that I believe in theory, but I find very challenging to regularly practice. As always, I'm speaking to myself
first.
Keep in mind, forgiveness is for us, it's not for them.
When I am disturbed and having troubling thoughts about what someone has said or done, I've learned a very valuable question to ask myself. How does it feel to believe that thought is true? How does it feel to keep thinking that thought?
Invariably the answer is that it doesn't feel good to keep dwelling on what was said or done. Plus, I am often completing the story by adding my opinions as to why they said or did it. This really compounds my misery and feeds my compulsion to continue ruminating on the ways I believe I have suffered.
I've learned still more valuable questions to ask myself:
What did I do to bring this on? And if I’m truly innocent as far as I know, I can ask, What in me and my past experiences brought this person or situation into my life? Is there something I am meant to learn here? Is there a wound that needs healing and I'm being given another chance to practice a different response to a similar hurt? Have I been offered the
gift of extending mercy to someone else, knowing how great it feels when someone extends mercy to me?
And this next idea is really hard for me to stay aligned with, even though I believe it to be true:
I have nothing to forgive unless I have first judged something as wrong or bad. Ouch!
When I judge things, I elevate myself to a position of authority that isn't mine to hold. At any given time, something could seem right or wrong to me (based on the mood I’m in, the day I'm having, which side of the scenario I’m on), so who am I to judge and know for sure that I’m coming up with the “right judgment?” Making a negative judgment about
a troubling situation only adds to the bad feelings I'm already having.
My well-being and serenity are better served when I focus on my response, rather than what was said or done, while challenging myself to grow through
even the most painful of situations.
But wait, isn’t labeling something painful a judgment too?
Well, yes, something can only be painful if I have decided to label it painful. Because what is painful to me might only be an annoyance to you. So yes, it’s my judgment that makes it so. Whatever I think is true for me. Oh this is hard stuff to buy into, but I do believe it’s accurate.
Is it pain, then, or a gift? YES. It's all in the story I'm telling myself. Or maybe it's pain first, that with intention, transforms itself into a gift.
Admittedly, this is where things can get really wonky for me. Some days, I just don’t want to believe that I’m making myself feel bad, as opposed to what happened to me.
Some of you may be asking (as I often do), “So, my pain isn’t real? Feelings aren’t real?”
We are created to have feelings, so yes, feelings are natural and pain is real … to US. We must honor our feelings because those are clues to who we are, what we care about, and what needs healing in us. But we have to remember that feelings are generated from the stories we carry, our personal experiences. And often, if we're watching for it, they can reveal which wounds are yet to be healed.
And...
Feelings
aren't facts. Feelings are not “true.” Feelings are not good or bad. Feelings are emotions that are generated by the thoughts we’re having around a reaction to a stimulus. It really can be as black-and-white as that, even though it usually isn’t.
Sometimes we enjoy feeling bad and feeling sorry for ourselves. When pride comes in with even more judgment about the way things should be, we form an even tighter grasp on the stories we are telling that keep us stuck.
We cannot make people change. We cannot make people take care of us in the way that we think they should. The word, should is always a red flag to me that I am in judgment mode.
There are many times when I thought something should happen, only later I learned I was mistaken in my assessment. I have to carry that experience of being wrong into my current situations. What the heck do I know? is a mantra I came up with a while ago to remind myself I am not God, nor do I know what's best for all people in all situations.
When I think I know everything, I have a lot more to learn.
I don’t ever want to stop growing for two reasons, to be a better human for you and everyone else I touch, and to experience more peace, joy and fulfillment for myself.
If some of this isn't setting
well, and the story-teller in you is rising up and saying, But HE ..., But SHE ..., But THEY…,” I invite you to be very curious and dig deeper. Notice those strong feelings. Is it anger? Maybe grief and sadness underneath that? Maybe stubbornness, because it's more comfortable to blame others than take responsibility for our thoughts and feelings, our lives? (Ouch on that one too, I know.)
Grab a piece of paper and write the question, Why does this blog, or a particular statement (or that person, or that situation) bother me? What could my resistance be trying to show me? What am I really feeling?
Be open to the answers that show up. You don’t have to agree with anything I’ve written, but be willing to be curious. Ask yourself, “What if any of this IS true? What would that mean?”
We all have our own journeys, and it's wonderful that we can keep each other company along the way. It’s also great to share with each other as we learn. Humbly yours, this is my truth as I see it today.
