If you’ve been reading my emails, you may know we are
building our forever home on forty-two wooded acres an hour away from Nashville traffic. After waiting a year to resume building when our initial builder abruptly quit (leaving us with just a foundation), we were so excited to move forward again a few months ago. Now that we’re making significant progress, sometimes I want to say, Slow down. I need more time to make all of these decisions!
And there are quite a few decisions to be made when building a house. Often, after a week or two of doing nothing but waiting for an update from the contractor, we may be told he needs a selection immediately (that we could have been working on while we were waiting).
Actually, there’s a lot of hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. I’ve gotten used to the waiting, but it’s tough when our builder says, Oops, I forgot to tell you to be picking out your plumbing fixtures. Can you get those to me tomorrow? Whatttt?! I can’t find the PERFECT faucet series in twenty-four hours! The decisions feel gravely important to get right. As a kid, it
seemed like making mistakes was fatal. I tried to be as close to perfect as possible, and those beliefs still show up today as an awful lot of pressure.
Last week, we were also asked to let him know any specific
electrical outlet placements and to be considering any lighting fixtures we want that aren’t specified in our house plans. Juggling building with work and everything else, and needing quick, perfect-don't screw it up-you only get one shot decisions, sent me into a tailspin. I was drowning in a sea of overwhelm, fueled by perfectionism, and a feeling of shame.
Perfectionism can still paralyze me, but I like to think I am slowly recovering from the need to avoid all mistakes, realizing most of the time that no one will die if I get it wrong.
I have written a lot about perfectionism. If you want to read more about that and how I am recovering, click here
for a previous blog, entitled To-Do's and To-Don'ts, and here for an article about the pay-offs of procrastination (often a symptom of perfectionism).
Overwhelm and perfectionism are familiar. I know where those come from and how to pursue peace when they show up, but I had to really dig into understand where the sudden shame was coming from.
A friend helped me realize that the shame was attached to the sense that I didn’t deserve the incredible art studio we designed over our garage. That feels true. It’s one thing to see the plans on paper, but the impact of walking through the framed room, seeing how big it is compared to other rooms in the house, was significant. I felt uncomfortable knowing that space
is being created for only me.
I grew up feeling like a burden and I accepted the implied message that I needed to take up as little room as possible—physically, energetically, and in every other way. I needed to be small
and quiet and have minimal needs.
So to see this large space unfolding for me to do the work I love generated feelings of unworthiness and downright embarrassment. And as I consider the special lighting I need for
that space, I’m noticing the inclination to see what I can get by with, rather than giving myself what I truly need (much less what I might consider dream lighting). Thankfully I have friends who help me see when my perspective is off.
Much of my life has been built around survival and scarcity thinking, even when life has blessed us with much. I do enjoy being frugal and stretching a dollar, but there is a time when money needs to be spent.
We have saved for this home and regarding the studio, I contribute to our household finances by creating art, big-sized art. I need adequate room to make and organize my paintings, and special lighting to see accurately as I work. We have the space over the garage so it just made sense to use it for art.
Thankfully, my husband supports my work and has no problem with the size of my art studio, compared to everything else. But clearly, I have some worthiness issues to explore.
Shame is often a double-edged sword: I have shame about something and then I beat myself up for feeling that way. The beautiful thing about #findingthegift living is allowing pain, frustration and negative feelings show us where the wounds are and what still needs healing.
The first step I’m taking is to notice when I feel the tendency to start beating myself up for feeling guilty or being paralyzed about making a decision. I have resolved to (try to) go twenty-four hours at a time, accepting myself and my feelings without the added shame of judging myself as bad, incapable or stupid.(Gosh, that sounds so harsh. I'm
meaner to myself than I would be to anyone.)
For the underlying worthiness issues and the need to acknowledge my inherent value, I am reminding myself that I deserve to breathe and take up a lot of space because there’s
plenty to go around. When I take what I need, I’m not causing someone else to do without. And I am remembering that it’s okay to have needs and to take good care of myself, and ask for help when that’s appropriate.
Most
of you are probably not building a house at the moment, but I’m betting I’m not the only one who struggles with perfectionism or fear of making a mistake, and who is stingy with themselves as a result of low self-esteem.
So for today, if that’s you, let’s get right-sized about all of it. No one is perfect. Mistakes are our best teachers. And we are all beautiful and unique with every right to exist as the next person.
Where
have you been playing small? How have you been denying your own needs, or trying to barely get by? What treat can you splurge on as a loving reminder that you’re worth it? When’s the last time you bought yourself flowers, an ice cream cone, or a new shirt? Even blowing $5 at the discount store on something fun can demonstrate to your little child within that they are seen and cherished.
Today let’s be BIG. Let’s get MESSY. Let’s be BOLD, accepting who we are, where we’re at, and what we need right here in this moment. Let’s give ourselves the grace we need for imperfectly being and doing all of the above.
Sending love, hugs and gentleness!