Loss has been a frequent experience in my journey of
life. The first significant one happened when I was eight years old. Trauma and chaos unfolded and I lost my Dad’s physical presence in my life due to divorce.
I won’t list all the subsequent losses, but I developed
a habit of clinging and clutching to people and things, or avoiding needing them altogether to try to minimize intense pain. Despite my best efforts, I've learned that loss is as inevitable as needing people. They go together and make up a big part of the journey of life.
Receiving and letting go in romantic relationships was always hard. I struggled because I went into them carrying the fear and belief that everyone I love leaves. I was totally taken by my husband when we were newly dating. Even though the feeling seemed to be mutual, it was difficult at times to stay in the moment to enjoy how good things were, for fear that I would eventually lose him. I remember thinking if we could just get
married, I could relax, because then I could trust he would be mine forever. The security I had always longed for would finally be attained.
If you know my story, you know that we divorced and remarried. A ring is a token
of love and devotion, not a handcuff for life. But now that I have some distance and gained wisdom over the years, that’s as it should be. What good is a forever love that’s held in place by chains, not by choice?
Having
adult children is a similar experience where I can be tempted to hold on too tightly, call too muchly, ha ha! I want our son to want to be involved in our lives out of choice, not out of manipulation by us, or other methods intended to control him and keep him close. We are fortunate to see him regularly and how beautiful it is, knowing he’s visiting or calling because he values maintaining our relationship.
Many of us do a “love” dance with our parents, too, if we’re lucky enough for them to still be alive. I talk to my father a lot, for which I’m grateful. My relationship with my mother is frequently challenging. I don’t write publicly about that often, if at all. Daily, I have the option to show up
voluntarily for relationship with her. When it begins to feel like I’m satisfying an unspoken obligation, with her or anyone else, that’s my cue to check my motives and ask myself what I need.
The right thing done
in the wrong spirit is the wrong thing for me. If I do something I don’t really want to do, resentment naturally follows. But that’s not someone else's fault, it’s mine and it’s on me to show up in a way that honors both parties.
People aren't meant to be owned, like a prisoner or a pet. No matter which side we find ourselves in that kind of relationship, no one is really getting their needs met or feeling great about it.
Loved ones are meant to be enjoyed and appreciated, and not held too tightly. True love is an ongoing choice, daily, weekly, monthly and etcetera.
We have the opportunity to say “I do” over and over and over, and not just in a romantic way, but in all relationships.
How do you show up to relationships? How relaxed are you able to be? What strategies have you used to
hold people close? How's that working? Where are you forcing yourself to show up in ways you don’t want to, but feel you “should?” None of us are perfect, but we can learn and grow. When we know better, we can do better.
The point of today’s meditation is love. How to give it. How to receive it. And how to hold loving relationships loosely enough so that each participant can maintain the integrity of who they are inside of it. Cheers to your love today, in all the ways that shows up, while honoring the special gifts each person brings!
