Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours. ~Richard Bach
Happy New Year 2023! Tis the season for resolutions and change. Sometimes all goes well with those and other
times, we face resistance and find ourselves not doing what we said we would do. We may justify why it didn’t happen, giving ourselves (and others) a number of reasons.
A justification is much more than an explanation. A justification is a defensive explanation to convince ourselves and others about the legitimacy of a thing.
When
my need to justify something is strong, I am usually being offered a clue about myself that’s worth looking at. But maybe I am unwilling to see myself or my situation from a bigger, more neutral perspective.
If I am
not ready to see what’s behind my avoidance or fear (resistance is very often fear-based), my arguments can be a way to stay stuck and dodge guilt or disappointment in myself.
Over the years, I’ve gotten pretty good at "case-building" to feel better about my actions (inactions), decisions and opinions. I can make my resistance look and sound
good, but that doesn’t mean I’m making the best choices for myself. And even if it looks good, it doesn’t always feel good, and that’s a sign that I’m off my authentic path.
For a time, our self-defense mechanisms and the voices inside our heads might have saved our lives, but at some point, they stop being helpful and can keep us trapped. When we decide to try something new or take a different stance, old habits die hard. The parts of us that want to stay comfortable are going to put up
a fight to stay in familiar territory.
If we declare that today is the day to start something (or stop something), we need to expect internal resistance to pop up, because it will. Our inner critics still think they know what’s best for us. They take their job very seriously and those voices are going to challenge any new move, because they are frightened of change and not being able to keep us safe.
Distraction strategies from your internal protectors of change might look
or sound like this (or substitute whatever may tempt you off track):
• Hey, that email looks really important. Even though you said you didn’t want to check emails until this afternoon, maybe you should check it now?
• Instead of going to the gym today to keep up our new workout routine, maybe we should take a walk instead? Sunshine is so good for us, you know.
• Oh look, there’s a full basket of laundry. Better stop right now and fold those clothes. Getting your project done can wait. You have PLENTY of time.
• Instead of doing the things that really have to be done today, go ahead and start on next week’s or next month’s tasks, because it will feel so
good to get those off the list. We’ll do the other thing later today.
For some strange reason, tackling a deadline that’s farther out can feel less intimidating than working on the one that is the higher priority. Sometimes a compulsion to do that is avoidance and fear at work, tempting us to postpone the more pressing responsibility or choice. HOWEVER, we just might need to allow "creative spontaneity" as we execute our priorities, so we balance the tough things with the easier
ones.
For instance, some days I name my most important intention and then immediately take care of something else that's less threatening. If both things needed to happen anyway, maybe that’s okay for that day. When I back into tasks like that and can still take care of the pressing task at hand, I can embrace being "creatively spontaneous" and say, Congratulations Angela, for taking care of that while it was on your mind. It’s out of the way and you can work on the main priority
now.
Avoidant behavior can reveal how much resistance I have about the bigger goal for the day, and challenge me to dig in a little to understand it better. If I already understand it, then I can give myself grace and
compassion, and build extra support around doing the thing I am avoiding.
We don’t have to do anything alone. We can find accountability partners who understand resistance and work together to help each other do new
or scary things. (Need an accountability partner? Or twelve of them? Get on the wait list for Micro Magic! See below.)
While we don’t have to be rigid if we feel creatively compelled to
re-order the day, we do have to stay mindful of our true priorities and make sure we’re not putting ourselves in a position to feel bad later by missing a deadline, or leaving too little time to complete what needs to happen on a particular day.
What are your priorities today? This week? This year?
When resistance shows up, greet it like an old friend:
Oh, hello, there you are again. I see you. Yes, I know, this is new and outside the normal comfort zone for both of us. We’re going to do it anyway. Thanks for giving me a heads up to seek extra support. Will do! Good job! Now you can go back to doing whatever you need to do, because I’m DOING THIS.
Bravo! Resistance cannot be successfully ignored, but when it’s addressed and acknowledged, it can definitely be less menacing. Try it! Cheers to the positive changes you intend for 2023!
PS
Do you talk to yourself? If you don’t, you need to! Click to read “I Hear Voices, Help!” This blog describes strategies for positive self-talk, especially when your goal is new beliefs and behavior changes.
