Why Is Receiving So Hard?
Do you struggle to receive kindness, gifts of time or other expressions of appreciation? I sure do. Although I'm not completely clear about it, I can think of several reasons why receiving generosity from others is a challenge
for me:
Perfectionism
Unworthiness
Pressure to perform for the giver
Anorexic spending habits
This year, I was extra excited about Christmas because I had stumbled onto some great gift ideas for people I love. I couldn't wait to surprise them and hopefully provide something they would be glad to receive.
However, as my husband, son and I shared gifts, I noticed an increasing discomfort with receiving gifts. I felt like the fickle cat who wants to be petted and then runs away at the last second, changing its mind. I can't be the only one who struggles with receiving, If this applies to any of you, please be assured that you're not alone. (Reply back and tell me I'm not either!)
Perfectionism
I struggle with perfectionism and somehow this can set me up for disappointment with gifts.
Is it the very best pink sweater available? But I didn't see the other choices, so what if there is one I would like even better? I have to make the most of every penny, mine and everyone else's. Every purchase
is a critical decision with no room for error.
Yikes! That's a lot of pressure to put on a gift and the people who are kind enough to offer me a present.
Unworthiness
I am much more comfortable lavishing others with gifts, than receiving them. I love finding thoughtful gifts and
watching people open them. In contrast, I don't like having attention on me at the time of opening presents and I don't want people to spend money on me. It's easier to give and be happy with what I already have.
Pressure to perform for the giver
It's no secret I'm a people pleaser, at least not to any therapist I've ever seen. Raised in a less-than ideal home situation, I learned to be quiet, blend in and do my best to avoid upsetting people. As a result, I feel immense responsibility and pressure to react a certain way so the giver feels good about their
choice. Ugh.
Anorexic spending habits
If money was exchanged for something
given to me, I believe I need to love it. Like, really love it. I have prided myself on being frugal my whole life. I had to pinch every penny from the moment I began making money at fifteen, which only intensified when I left home at seventeen. I had to stretch every dollar or starve and be homeless—a survival tactic that saved my life and secured my independence. Now, no matter how much money we make, I can find myself living like I'm $20 away from homelessness (mostly when it comes to
receiving, not with giving).
Spending money on others is fun, but it's very difficult for me to accept a gift without wanting to know how much it cost so I can judge if it's worth that expenditure. I'm a bargain
shopper. I like nice things at rock-bottom clearance prices. So I find myself wondering, could I find two or three things for the price of the one gift just presented to me? The answer is often yes, except when it's given by my fellow penny-pinching girlfriends, and then I revert back to simply being uncomfortable that they spent any money on me.
See how this goes? I can always find a reason to be uncomfortable receiving. My sweet, generous hubby knows these things about me and yet, every year, he ends up feeling like he struck out more than he won, when it comes to my ability to enjoy what he bought for me. I wish I could love his gifts, I really do.
Perfectionism runs deep in my blood. To be able to receive, without judging whether a gift is perfect or not, starts with me realizing I'm no longer in a life and death survival situation. Everything doesn't have to be perfect because most things are just
not that critical. "Good enough" is adequate in more circumstances than I realize.
Still, I will likely continue to pursue excellence because I enjoy doing a thing well. But overcoming perfectionism means releasing the
pursuit of being flawless primarily as a means of procuring security and establishing identity. It means being willing to accept myself wholly as good enough, and to give myself permission to make mistakes.
Needing to be perfect stems from ... unworthiness.
Unworthiness is a lie that can still hold me captive at times. To overcome it, I regularly affirm my worth in all areas, and most importanly, I remember that
I was born worthy. I am... you are...a worthwhile human being.
No matter what's happened in the past or what we have done, we are inherently good people worthy of love, kindness, and generosity. When I treat myself
with kind words and gentle self-care, I will grow to be more receptive to other people treating me well also.
Pressure to perform for others is a habit I am earnestly trying to break. I've put my super hero cape in the
trash and am now shooting for good 'ole average. The truth is, people don't think about me or evaluate my responses to them near as much as I might think. Even if they do, their thoughts about me are none of my business. I can try to be a good human, and let that be good enough.
Anorexic spending habits are not a joke. Many people wish they were better with money, but I'm frugal to a fault. One time, a therapist surprised me during a session. As soon as I got there, she said we were going shopping to buy something full price. I felt so constricted, I could have shriveled up on the spot. I bought a $50 blouse after much agony in numerous stores. I didn't love it and ended up returning it. Back to my earlier
point, if money is exchanged, I need to love it. That's not a bad rule, though. I'm trying to rid my closet of filler—clothes I do not love. I would have made myself keep that blouse if I had found one I really loved.
More ways I'm practicing receiving
I am currently under a challenge to waste, I mean, spend $50/month on food treats and dining out. When I'm out running errands over lunch, I'm more likely to eat an apple and nuts until I get back home. Now I look for opportunities to hit my food spending quota. Buying a paddle board and nurturing a real hobby have
been great practice at being financially generous with myself. It's still uncomfortable, but I'm making progress.
Shame is telling me I'm the only one who deals with these things. You may not deal with everything I
mentioned, but can you relate to any of it?
Do you struggle to be generous with yourself?
How easy is it to reward yourself for achieving a goal or hitting a milestone?
What are you currently doing to invite more generosity toward yourself?
"It's better to give than receive" is a great motto for life, but for this to be possible for everyone to experience, we
have to take turns. In cultivating our ability to receive, we provide others the opportunity to show their appreciation and give to us. Receiving is a gift to the giver, and a win-win for everyone involved.
Receiving is an inside job. What can you put in practice to help you become a better receiver? Maybe it's time you give yourself an allowance? Time, money—choose some way to start giving to and receiving more from yourself.
