Continuing from last week, today I will share the lesson I was given after seeing the neighbor boy come barreling out of their front door like his pants were on fire. If you missed it, click here to read what happened and get a breakdown on how I "see things," so life can hand you wisdom, too, in the most random ways. 

In summary, my neighbor's son was making a huge effort while also seeming to sabotage himself. This observation resonated with me profoundly. As soon as I had that thought about him, I knew there was a life parallel for me, something to teach me and gently convict and encourage me.

Though I couldn’t immediately come up with a personal example, I trust in the philosophy: Spot it, you got it. (See the daily meditation on July 21 in FTG for more about that idea.) I knew there was something in me, some area of my life, now or in the past, where I have made a lot of effort while simultaneously sabotaging myself. I knew it would be important to keep thinking about this observation, asking myself, Where is this happening for me now? And the much bigger question, Why?

Why would anyone make a lot of effort AND sabotage their actions toward success? 

About twenty years ago, I heard that some people experience fear of success as opposed to fear of failure. That notion floored me, and hit home. I had never heard that idea before, and until recently, I had never met anybody else who feared success instead of failure, as I do.

My fear of "really big" success stems from a need to control my life as much as possible. If I keep things small enough, I believe life will always be manageable. If I go for my dreams but then don’t follow up on my big ideas to make them a reality, if I don’t work consistently, or I switch to another big dream and abandon the last one, I will ensure that my success remains moderate and my life won't get out of hand. I am really telling on myself here, but I’m willing to do that because I know that I’m not alone.

In doing this little dream-with-sabotage dance, I achieve two things. First, I can feel good about taking actions toward my dreams and enjoy fulfillment to a degree. I can talk about my progress with others and it sounds like I’m really going for it. Secondly, with regular avoidance or distractions and thus, sabotage along the way, I keep my world small. I stay within my comfort level— stretching a little instead of a lot—and I maintain the illusion that I have control. To some degree I guess I do.

Paddle boarding can be a great analogy to demonstrate this two-step dance of success and sabotage. Let's say I dream of more recreational time on the water and plan to paddle the world. I buy a paddleboard and begin my first adventure. I paddle forward a little bit, excited to see what’s around the next bend, but I'm also afraid of the unknown. So instead of continuing forward, I let my paddle hang in the water, which creates drag and slows me down. If I keep doing that, I will come to a complete stop before I come close to exploring new territory.

Despite my big dreams, something in me is resistant to paddling adventures, but I still experience a few payoffs. I own a board and I’m on the water. I have the selfies and glorious scenery to share with others. But I know the truth—I’m barely going anywhere. I’ve lost all the inertia that built up when I first started paddling so it’s like starting all over again, only to repeat the pattern of stalling.

Side note: I'm happy to say this is NOT how my paddle boarding adventures are going. I just completed my second full moon paddle Sunday night, which was also my first cold paddle (think lots of warm and waterproof layers instead of a bathing suit). As I become fearless on the water, I know it will continue to translate in other areas where I struggle with keeping myself and my success smaller than what I’m capable of.

Inflating my board and getting excited! ©AngelaHowell.com May not be copied or reproduced without advance permission.

A full moon paddle generally starts at sunset, so it's a double delight! ©AngelaHowell.com May not be copied or reproduced without advance permission.

Here comes this glowing ball of wonder as our guide Elizabeth leads us in a quiet meditation. ©AngelaHowell.com May not be copied or reproduced without advance permission.

Wearing all the layers as we end our meditative float lying down, taking in the moon and stars. Brrr...It was 52 degrees when we came off the water. ©AngelaHowell.com May not be copied or reproduced without advance permission.

Who else besides me might be consciously or subconsciously practicing this two-step dance of initiating forward progress, then quickly putting on the brakes to make sure that bigger success stays on the horizon, safely out of reach? (While looking good for sort of pursuing our dreams and goals?)

I truly didn't know this was a thing and I’ve been unconsciously doing this two-step for a long time. For probably twenty decades, I’ve had a crazy fantasy I entertain when things get tough—to live in a small, white, empty closet where no one will bother me, no one will need anything from me, and my whole world will be visible and within my control. But I always come to the same conclusion: life in the closet would be a lonely way to live and that doesn’t serve anyone.

To counteract this need to stay small, I seek support and do life with comrades who have the same challenges. Accountability is magic. There’s a meditation in my book on October 14, “Small Steps Land Big Rewards,” where I share in detail about how to make goals more likely to happen. 

In short, the first step is to take goals out of your head and put them onto paper. Written goals are 50% more likely to happen than those that aren’t written. Your chance of success will increase even more if you share your goals and dreams with a friend. The likelihood of achievement will increase yet again, if you frequently check in with someone on your progress. 

Not to brag, only to encourage, but I have done all of this more consistently over the last year and as a result, have seen the biggest year of painting sales yet, and the expansion of my books and art into Florida. This was based on a desire I expressed a year ago, put down in writing, and tracked with others ever since, in order to have business at the beach. Accountability works!

On that note, who are my beach lovers? I am in early stages of planning my first beach retreat in a spacious, multi-bedroom home on a secluded part of the Forgotten Coast in Florida. This will be an all-inclusive experience for women only (sorry fellas!). One session you can count on me offering will be a mindfulness painting escape. More to come, but I would LOVE to hear from those of you who may be interested, and what sessions you would love to see as I put this together.

For today, take a deep look at your goals and dreams. Where have you made progress and in what ways might you be sabotaging greater success? If you don’t have people you are accountable to, find someone who wants to achieve similar things and buddy up. I will hold that space for you too, if you want to post goals, dreams and action steps in our private FTG Readers Group. Nobody can see our content except other FTG members, and I monitor the group very closely to make sure it remains a safe place. For more in-depth discovery and accountability, I’d love to take you through A Life Worth Having, my 12-week transformational coaching program, which can be done individually, or as part of a small group.

The world needs all of our gifts. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and that includes our gifts and talents. We can courageously show up to our dreams and our lives, trusting that we will have everything we need, yes, even for navigating the unknown adventures around the next bend. 

Does today's meditation resonate with you? Please share your voice in our FTG Readers Group on Facebook. Your hopes, thoughts and dreams matter to me.

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Cheers to a great week, noticing the gifts that matter most. Feel free to share with a friend.

My painting of the week is below!

Until next time...

To your gifts!

Angela

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Abstract Painting of the Week
If you'd like to see more of my art, please visit my website. Reply to this email if there is something you're interested in. I also offer commissions and shipping is available.

Meadowlark 24x48 Diptych acrylic on gallery wrapped canvas. I had zero ideas for a title on this. None. Usually I'll ponder a name and make a brainstormed list of up to twenty possibilities, live with the list at least overnight, then narrow down and go with the one that feels most right. Nothing ever came to me about this one. 

As I added the glaze and hardware, preparing to deliver it to the gallery, I had to write a title on the back. I stared at it and said, "What is your name?" I heard a very quick answer, "Meadowlark." Meadowlark? Okayyy. Isn't that a bird? I googled it and meadowlarks are melodious grassland birds that symbolize hope and wisdom, abundance and harvest, often with a gold breast that contains an unmistakable V. Perfect. Meadowlark it is.

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