In the two weeks where I was sick recently, and not able to take my walks, the magnolias in my neighborhood bloomed. On my first resumed walk, I was so happy to see them. Even though I was struggling to smell and taste, I could detect enough of the flower to rejoice in their
heavenly fragrance and annual return.
Magnolias are always magnolias. I can lean in and take a deep inhale of their fragrance and know exactly what I’m going to smell. There will never come a day where instead, I get a whiff of lavender or rose, or something unpleasant. They will always be the familiar, sweet scent of magnolia blooms.
People are not that different. It may take a while to discern what “normal” is with someone, but with enough time and interaction, people show you who they are and what you can come to expect from them.
We would do well to pay attention because like flowers, people rarely lie when they tell us who they are. I’m not talking about their words. I know people sometimes say one thing and do another, but that’s a different issue.
I’m referring to when they show us their character through their actions over time. We can trust this more than any words that come out of their mouths.
I have trouble believing people sometimes. I hold out for who I want to believe they are. I long for who they could be, and how wonderful the relationship would be, but what I want unfortunately doesn’t change anything. It only perpetuates my disappointment when they show me once more who they really are, and what they are and are not capable of. When I keep hoping that someone will be different than what they’re willing or capable of being, I am in wishful thinking and not in
reality.
Most people don’t set out to be difficult to get along with. We all carry wounds that make us who we are, and we bring those wounds into every encounter whether it’s work, family or friends.
Thankfully we get to choose our world and who we share it with. We have to believe people when they show us who they really are and quit trying to manipulate them into being someone else.
Arguing, justifying, negotiating—if I’ve gotten to that point more than once with the same person or circumstance, and if I’ve already looked inward and tried to improve any of my behaviors that are contributing to the problems, then I’m probably the one who needs to change. I can change the people or circumstances in my world, or at the very least, my expectations of them.
For me, that often involves making a balance sheet: what do I love about this person or situation, versus what makes this so difficult for me? In other words, is the juice worth the squeeze?
When the answer is “yes,” then one thing I can attempt to do is limit my exposure to the things that hurt. Unfortunately, I have found it’s not always so clear how to do that.
Recently I went several rounds with someone I care about and for the life of me, I still can’t figure out what I could’ve said or done that would have appeased them and satisfactorily met their needs, without compromising my own needs and authenticity. I did my best, but it wasn’t good enough. Regretfully, I’m sure they are just as frustrated and hurt as I am.
Ending the connection, tempting as it is at times, isn’t an option. I would miss them and I would miss out on all this juicy learning. The most difficult situations are the greatest teachers. I say that a lot, because I live it a lot, and I’m sure you do as well.
I could cut and run, which I’ve done before. But similar people and situations seem to find me, so that is a short-term solution to a wound in me that still needs healing, hence the repetitive growth opportunities that keep showing up. So I might as well stay put and keep learning when the relationship or circumstance still has enough value otherwise.
It’s actually very empowering to embrace the idea that I can change, even when the other person or circumstance can't or won't. When I change, everything around me changes too, thanks to my new perspective.
I had a therapist tell me one time that I had successfully created a world where no one dared to challenge me. Apparently, my friends and family had come to know by experience that opposing my thoughts or ideas would likely be met with plenty of justifications and a closed mind to whatever they may be asking me to consider. So they just didn't bother any more. That was difficult to hear, because I knew it was true.
Almost as soon as I accepted the truth of that statement, however, I began to have new friends show up in my life who had the courage to challenge me to look at situations differently. (When the student is ready, the teacher appears.)
I have grown so much by being coachable and willing to recognize that I don’t have all the answers. Friends and family members (even my own son who is half my age) have also offered thoughts that have broadened my views on things.
When openness creates an atmosphere of safety, conversations and insights are limitless.
Wisdom can come from anywhere and anyone; it’s not only doled out through famous speakers, best-selling books, podcasts and hit songs. Wisdom can surface unexpectedly in an everyday conversation between ordinary folks.
It’s amazing how two people can come together as equals on common ground, and both walk away with life-changing insights. I thank God for the people in my life who bring about random downloads of truth. I guess that’s the essence of iron sharpening iron.
None of us are perfect, but there’s magic in knowing that, and admirable humility in being able to admit it. Relationships expand when both parties can agree they don’t know everything and are able to see the other person as an equal collaborator in this beautiful journey of life.
Does the fragrance of your life resemble a sweet-smelling flower, or are the bees taking their business elsewhere? The fruit of a life doesn’t lie. A great life begins and ends with rigorous self-honesty.
Have you ever made a balance sheet about yourself? Businesses take inventories so that they can make an accurate account of their assets, and see where they are lacking. We imperfect humans can benefit from doing the same thing every so often.
For today, take five or ten minutes and make your own balance sheet. List the strengths you bring to relationships and business encounters on one side of your paper. Then list the areas of growth on the other side of the ledger. These are the ways you may frequently act that are less than ideal and not representative of your best self. (This is where self-honesty will change your life.)
Decide that you’re going to experiment for the next forty-eight hours. Look for opportunities to try a new move when you would otherwise feel triggered to say or do something that likely won't yield a desired response.
Make a note each time you choose a new action. Consider how that worked out, and how you felt about yourself after you made that new choice. Pausing is also a great relationship strategy until you feel more clear about who you want to be in that moment.
No one gave us a blueprint on how to be our best selves consistently. The challenges we face are here to help us recognize our part in difficulties and seek the solutions we can bring that make us proud to look ourselves in the mirror every day.
We can’t change other people, but we can always take stock of our own options, and consider new ways to grow. Maya Angelou said it well, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
