A friend who works as an independent contractor was lamenting about how much work she agreed to do this week. I asked her if she was clear on how she really wanted to be spending her time. Does she love that work? If so, where’s the break-even point? In other words, how many
hours in the week can she do that work before it crosses over from doing something she loves to resenting the commitment?
Yesterday, I was speaking with my son about an action he was considering taking and he wanted my opinion. On the surface, the action seemed like a reasonable thing for him to do, and yet I could tell there was hesitancy and I didn’t know why. So I asked him, “What are your motives?” As he explored his true motives, he got his answer.
I have done many right things for the wrong reasons, which makes it wrong for me. Only I can answer the questions about my motives for doing something and then decide if that’s taking me closer to where I want to be, or farther from it.
When I do something that I don’t really want to do, but I imagine that someone really wants me to do it, I set myself up for resentment. I may feel frustration toward them, but I am usually more frustrated with myself for not honoring how I want to spend my energy and time. I become restless, irritable, and discontented because I am neglecting what is important to me, and trading my personal resources beyond the point where it’s valuable for me to do so.
But I can’t know what’s important to me unless I start asking myself about my needs and my motives regarding the things that I do. It gets harder to still do something after I have identified that my motive isn’t pure, and/or isn’t reflective of my values, priorities and self-care.
Journaling or talking things out with people who care about us are good ways to uncover our motivations. If I let indecision turn into procrastination and overwhelm, it’s very hard for me to think clearly about what my motives are and what I really need. So talk to someone or get out a notebook and dump the indecision onto the page.
Write out all the uncertainty, all the angles. Write out the question, “What is my motive for doing this?” The answer may be the first thing that comes to you, but explore it a little more. Next, write the question, “And why is that important to me?" referring to your first answer.
If I am willing to dig several layers deep, I can get really clear about my priorities, my motives, my needs. I can better discern the actions I need to take to help me take better care of me, and be a better vessel of love and care for others in this world. As I nurture my own needs, I am able to show up and nurture the needs of others.
When people in my life are asking me to fill their needs from my empty bucket, I have to remind myself that I can’t give away what I don’t have. I can’t give any more when I am depleted, without hurting myself in the process. It’s my job to know when it’s time for me to retreat and replenish my reserves.
Other people can’t read my mind. I used to think they could. Sometimes I still want them to, so that they can take care of my needs intuitively, and relieve me of the task of being responsible for myself. There’s no growth in that.
I’ve heard that we first learn how to set boundaries. Next, we learn how to do so with kindness and tact. It’s great when that can happen all at once, but that is often not the case. We get better at boundary setting with others and ourselves the more we practice.
Anyone who is of significance in our lives will be able to weather any awkwardness that comes from establishing better boundary-setting skills. And if they don’t, they may need to go work their own issues out with someone else. It’s too damaging for us to keep giving away chunks of self that we don't have to give.
What do you really need?
What do you really want?
What are your deepest motives?
What does prioritizing your time look like?
Can you practice saying no when saying yes is going to go against the answers that come out of your searching?
Growth is uncomfortable. If life is continuously comfortable and cozy, it might be a good indicator about how much growth we’re experiencing. (Not always. Some of us keep things uncomfortable on purpose, but that’s another blog.)
Today's writing was inspired by a recent walk, where I noticed the blooms on the trees as spring approaches. These buds carry the essence of what is going to bloom very soon. What is your soul carrying and about to bring forth into existence?
Today, be willing to know what you really want to see happen in 2022 and beyond. January is gone already but you can still choose how the rest of 2022 will unfold, or rather how you will bloom in 2022.
Be curious about the answers that surface when you start digging for more information. And decide what living your intended life looks like in the way of daily actions, starting with today. Peace to you all.
