We all have “yardstick" people in our lives. They show us how far we’ve come, and where we still need to grow. They may be a family member, a boss, a co-worker, neighbor, friend or peer, but these are the relationships that challenge us (and ironically, teach us) the most.
How do we handle ourselves better when the interactions with them are too often more difficult than we care to tolerate? How can we keep from letting those encounters steal our joy, rob our peace, and keep us ruminating about the latest disturbances?
Some people’s seasons in our lives come to a natural end. We move, change jobs, or outgrow relationships and that’s normal. However, there are other times we choose not to walk away from hard relationships. We may love and care about these people very much.
Boundaries are a good way to keep these types of relationships in our lives, without constantly sacrificing our own well-being, and nurturing resentments toward them and ourselves for getting pulled into the dysfunctional dance for the umpteenth time.
Boundaries aren’t put in place so that we can change the people and circumstances around us. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. We can make our needs known and make requests, but it’s up to other people to decide whether to honor them or not. Boundaries come into play when someone is unwilling or unable to respect our needs.
Setting boundaries helps us maintain our serenity more consistently. Some great questions to ask ourselves are:
1) How much interaction can I have with this person and still feel mutual love and respect?
2) At what point does it cross over into annoyance, anger or hurt?
3) What usually comes up that turns things from a positive encounter to a negative one?
Somewhere before that transition happens is where our boundaries need to be in place.
Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes (establishes) a limit or extent.”
A good metaphor for behavior and boundaries is a stoplight. If a behavior is “red,” it’s never tolerable to us. It may be fine for other people, but not for us. When we are subjected to a “red” behavior, we need to exit the interaction and make a decision about future engagement with that person, especially if it has become apparent that they have no intention on respecting our needs and wishes in that area.
A boundary around “yellow” behavior can be helpful in preserving connections with people we care about, but often have conflict with. We can inform people, “If/when you do this, I will do that.” They may not choose or be able to respect our needs, so when a “yellow” behavior happens, we can either remove ourselves from the conversation, or say, “Hey, this is becoming something that I don’t want to participate in. Can we change course, or should we re-connect at a later
time?”
Boundaries are empowering. We get to create our worlds and the company we keep. We get to decide what is of benefit to us and life-giving, versus what is detrimental. We then structure our lives accordingly.
Life is so much better when we operate from a place of peace and love, versus chaos and disturbance. Not everything is going to be wonderful all the time, but we can decide how much conflict we will tolerate.
Personally, I have an extra sensitive nervous system. Drama wreaks havoc on my mind, emotions, and body. I have to look at drama and chaos as an allergy to be avoided, or at least minimized before it becomes harmful to me. Each of us has to set the limits that preserve our well-being, because we’re the only ones who know what we need at any given moment.
How do we figure out what our limits are? Most of us will have to be on the other side of that limit long enough to know what we can and cannot tolerate. We often learn what we need by realizing what we don’t need.
For me, I notice when I’m uncomfortable and then clarify my limits with certain people through prayer, journaling, and meditating. I may ask to be shown wisdom and guidance in songs or things I read, looking for guiding phrases to jump out at me. An unrelated conversation might indirectly give me the answer I need. The answers are everywhere. They’re already inside each of us, but to help us access them, we can listen for outside cues.
It’s helpful to jot down on paper what we think we want our boundaries to be and then discuss those with a supportive friend or two. Perhaps we can even rehearse anything we feel must be said, although sometimes it’s best just to start implementing our new boundaries, especially when previous needs-related requests haven’t been honored.
People who are prone to conflict and tend to dismiss other people's needs may likely balk at these new boundaries. There will be pushback. That’s okay. Their personal limits may not resound with our limits. They may want more from us, or want things to stay the way they’ve always been.
Everyone is entitled to want or need what they want or need. But we no longer have to give of ourselves to the point where we suffer physically, emotionally or mentally.
How good are you at setting and keeping personal boundaries? Honestly, it can still be a struggle for me no matter how much I learn about myself, or how to participate in loving relationships. Setting boundaries can feel especially hard if you’ve been a people-pleaser most of your life, as I have. But change is always possible when the desire is present, an intention is made and small steps are taken.
Surround yourself with the support you need. Be ready to calmly hold your boundary. Expect to have the boundary tested. Stand your ground and take the action you committed to take. Set a boundary, and mean it, without being mean.
Boundaries are not meant to manipulate. If manipulation is part of your motivation, then take a deeper look within and acknowledge the drama you are passively perpetuating. Ouch! That’s hard to admit, but we’ve all done it.
Make sure your motive for practicing a boundary is solely about taking care of your own needs in the relationship, as opposed to trying to get someone to change. If they decide to refrain from certain behaviors in your presence, in order to have more interaction with you, that’s their choice, but it can't be your intent.
Boundaries are not about what you need "them" to do, they’re about what you will no longer endure. It’s about deciding to use your voice and your body to take care of your needs. We get to choose where we participate in life, and who we participate with.
For this week, notice if you find yourself in the middle of an interaction with someone and you’ve become uncomfortable. Maybe you no longer want to be there, but you’re struggling with how to exit with integrity and grace. Consider what could help if that happens again. Establish an inner boundary by preparing a phrase and/or an action you can take the next time you’re put in that position. The more we do it, the easier it will be.
Where else might you need more boundaries in your life? When we ask the questions, we can trust the answers will start showing up. Here's to all of us experiencing new levels of personal choice, voice and freedom!
