In the back of my neighborhood, there are huge ornamental grasses that grow in a ditch to make it look better and disguise the culvert. They get really tall, maybe eight or nine feet.
Every year, the neighbors who border the ditch either cut the stalks down or do a controlled burn to get rid of the drooping dead branches after the first hard frost. It’s easily a full morning’s worth of work in the cold December air to prune these grasses down to the ground.
One might say it’s too much trouble and ask, Why don’t they just get rid of them so they don’t have to do that work every year? I’m guessing the neighbors would answer, Because we would lose the beauty and gifts these grasses provide much of the year. Their value easily exceeds any burden they carry.
I spoke with someone recently who doesn’t share that philosophy when it comes to relationships. She has an ideal standard of the people she allows in her life. If they don’t meet all the criteria she deems necessary for her well-being, she chooses not to continue interacting with them. As I shared last week, it turns out I’m disqualified from being in her circle, without making significant concessions.
I felt compassion for her, when I heard her relationship rules. If we were all to adopt that mentality, we would each have very small circles. But to each her own. We all have to live our own life the best way we know how.
For me, there are way too many precious people in the world to cut out all but the "perfect people." Everyone won’t please us all the time. There are going to be things about many people that we don’t like, just as there will be things about us that they don’t like. But I try hard to focus on what’s good and leave the rest. If someone is challenging to be around, we can limit our exposure without necessarily having to give up the good we can experience with them.
Life is always giving us growing opportunities. This friendship/mentor ultimatum I received a few weeks ago has helped me remember several relationship essentials:
- We always have a choice. Even if it doesn’t feel like a great choice, we always have a choice. When I first heard this concept, I balked and said, What about the time I literally had a gun in my back and was a hostage in a drug store robbery? Turns out, I had a choice even then. I made a choice to comply in that instance, rather than not comply and risk a different outcome. Having a sense of choice is critical for personal empowerment.
- Real acceptance and real love don’t ask me to change for someone else’s comfort. If there is a problem in a relationship, a mutual solution can be found in compromise, not in one person having to go all the way to the other person’s side.
- We need to respect our own sense of timing. I had several conversations with people about this particular situation. Each one indirectly said they would let the relationship go. That was my gut response, too, but I wasn’t ready to let go until I explored the situation a little more. It takes what it takes for each person to recognize when something has stopped meeting a need and has become a detriment instead. (This situation has also reminded to have grace when I see a friend wrestling
with a situation where her next steps seem so obvious to me. It doesn’t matter what I think. Her next moves have to become obvious to her for it to be a valid, empowering choice.)
- We need to trust our intuition. No matter how many opinions I seek, the only one that truly matters is mine and what feels right to me. When I get really quiet, I hear the answers I need.
- A thorough effort to work things out brings a sense of peaceful resolve that is clarifying and comforting. Ending something without exhausting all avenues to save it will leave a lingering doubt in our minds. If I end a chapter of life before adequately confirming it’s the right decision for me, I will likely wonder “What if I had done this?” or “What if I had tried that?” It feels better to know I tried everything to save this friendship. I have no doubts and I don't have to think, “It
could’ve worked if only I had … “
- Finally, asking for what we need is even more important than getting it. I am much more at peace having expressed my own views with this person and having asked for a compromise instead of just leaving quietly. Even though I didn’t get what I wanted, the bigger deal is that I had the courage to ask for what I needed. I showed up for me.
How do you work through a tough decision? My process included lots of journaling and phone calls for support. I prayed a lot. I sat in silence and listened for tiny whispers. I remembered that no decision is final, because most aren’t. I know that I can go in one direction, and if it becomes clear afterwards that was the wrong way, I can turn around. And I gave myself permission to change my mind, which I did a few times before the final conclusion was completely obvious to me.
Everyone has good to offer if we look hard enough for it. But when a conversation or a friendship stops providing authentic connection and mutual benefit, we can feel okay about seeking joy elsewhere, especially when we have done our part to seek resolution and find common ground. If we have to let go, I'm convinced it frees us up for something even better.
Holiday season often surrounds us with people we may not normally talk to or spend time with. Maybe there's a good reason for that. Much like the ornamental grasses that are lovely but then become a challenge, we can remember that people are only human. Most of us are far from perfect, but we all have parts of us that are delightful. Let’s look for the beauty in everyone this season—appreciate the good and let the rest go.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! May presence be the gift you treasure most, because presence is what makes all other gifts come to life.
